Monday, 20 June 2016

Rambling #1


This is my blog getting seriously bloggy. I've had a week off work - it's been weird. Lots of thinking.

I have been working way more than I should have been lately - covering other people, arriving early to get things done, not being able to take breaks or eat and oh my days, it's ruined me. I find that when I'm so overworked, not only am I spending more spoons, I'm losing sleep, stressed, anxious and resorting to caffeine. Huge snowball! Obviously, this makes me so much more exhausted and fatigued than normal. So it comes as no surprise that I can't keep this up very long or even achieve my normal amount of activity.

This happened through out the merry month of May with it's fucking Bank Holidays. I'd booked a weekend off to attend and recover from a wedding. But then had to work the day after it. Yay. This rendered me useless and unable to work my next shift, then I was given the week off to rest. So. Needed.

The first few days I was restless. I was so overstimulated and overworked that my brain could not calm down. Anxiety set the mind on overdrive and thoughts were flying around it 100 miles per hour. My self-worth was disappearing, depressive thoughts took over and I wanted to quit my job. Scouring jobsites brought me no solace or luck, and I felt doomed for misery. Being stuck with a chronic illness in this society is hard, it's like being trapped. You can't do what you want to do, almost ever. Be it big life dreams or small bits throughout the day - you just can't. You can't be the person you want to be or live the life you want to lead. I can't have a dog and a job. I can't have a social life and a job. I live with and am dependent on my mum at the age of 28. How I am not miserable 24/7 I don't know.

Once all this was out of my system and I had rested a bit - I started to feel much better. I took stock, got passionate about my goals and realised I was already on the most sensible and realistic path - past Lisa had got it right after all. I noticed that for a few weeks I was only having one day off at a time which gave me no time to rest or do anything even slightly recreational. My days off were spent trying to juggle recovering from work and preparing for work, and shoving a driving lesson in if I wasn't too tired. This was running me into the ground physically and emotionally. The answer is not quitting a job I enjoy, with people I adore, and a manager who understands I need to pace and listens to me - it was to talk to this manager and amend this. I need to work 4 days a week, swapping my 5th day for a driving lesson, and have two days off in a row again. Simple, really.

As for the rest of it? I've accepted my life for what it is and minimised pining for what it's not. I will continue to learn to manage my illness to make the most out of the short time I have on this planet. I lost enough to depression as a teenager, my life is for enjoying.

Something I am grateful for is that after many, many mistakes, I have learnt not to act drastically out of emotion. I didn't quit my job in the middle of a breakdown. After lots of work on my mental and physical health, I knew I was miserable because of fatigue more than anything. Saving jobs to apply for was making me feel better but I wasn't applying until I was less exhausted and still thought it was a good idea. Of course, that didn't happen.

It's amazing how much fatigue can affect one's life. I do not suffer from depression anymore, but when exhausted I fall back into unhealthy thought patterns so, so easily. This week off work has been paramount to my health. I will be trying to do this 2-4 times a year to keep on top of things.

I am sure that working with dogs is what I want to do with my life. The course I am attending is the best step for me to take towards that. Learning to drive will enable me to attend my course and give me more ability to work with dogs and volunteer at the shelter. Driving is a priority. I need to make time and reserve spoons for it.

I'm not entirely sure why I'm posting this - I like to read little life stories from other bloggers so this is like, an extremely uneventful one from me? Maybe it'll help someone is some tiny way somehow? You are not alone, I freak out and give up sometimes, too? Who knows.

It really is so important to look after your health when you have a chronic illness. If, like me, you are a born workaholic, it is so easy to be swept up in work, chores, things to do... blogging!, that you forget to pace, keep on pushing through and end up lay in bed despairing for three days straight. This sets you back. It really is worth taking some time to yourself as often as you can (I'm trying to get it in daily like I used to be winning life) to just check that you are getting the little things done you need to, and are getting enough rest. You can't do any of the things you wants to do if you make yourself too tired. Don't forget we're all in the slow lane :)

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